Red Kool Aid

My favorite was always red
Cherry
Fruit punch
Strawberry
It all tasted the same
Never mattered the name
As long as it was red.
But as I lay here
And see nothing but
It’s beginning to change
I stare down at my blurry hands
My soaking legs
And bleeding stomach and wonder if this is real
I couldn’t have done this
But I have
I granted your wish
You didn’t want this seed
So I did what you couldn’t
What you didn’t have the heart to do
I did it for you
And even if you thought the constant
Yelling and screaming didn’t do the trick
I took care of that shit
As I sit here
Repeatedly hearing your lies
While trying to hold back tears
That escapes from my eyes
I cringe as little Derrick
Or little Monica’s blood runs through my veins
You see
I believed you
When you said you would hold me
When I was in pain
But I guess that didn’t include
The kind that was self inflicted
So I guess we’re not going to have
R. Kelly playing
Or candles burning
Or the make believe fairy tale of
Our lives together
You don’t want to hear about all of that
Our two year relationship ended the second I said those words
When a silly crush merged
Into this.
But since you aren’t working
And I’m still trying to get my education
A real abortion wasn’t going to happen
But you knew we wouldn’t need any money
With all the sleepless nights of you
Accusing me of lying down with another
Your cousin
Your boys
Even your brother
You knew all of this would get to me
But see
It wasn’t that long ago
That I lied down on your bed
You said
“This will feel good”
I said
“I’m scared and not in the mood”
You said
“It will be okay”
I asked
“Will you love me always?”
You said
“As long as the sun shines
You will always be mine.”
Well
Darkness has fallen upon us
And separated our beings
Because you are not with me
And everything is ending
So now I’m sitting in this tub of water
Which is turning a dark reddish color
I’ve hit my stomach so many times
That I don’t even feel like it’s crime
It’s just evil
In the midst of my tears
I can hear my unborn baby cry
It’s calling out my name
I can hear him or her saying to me
“I’m not the one to blame”
But I am the one that laid
In a bed that wasn’t mine
Filled with lust but thought was love all intertwined
I cry harder as the water became redder
Maybe next time I would have known better
Maybe next time I would have thought twice
Maybe next time I will decide not to lay
But now I know
That my child will never know
The taste of red kool aid

(c) Cassandra Daniels

"Diary of a Tired Black Man" review

I just finished watching “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. This movie was directed and produced by Tim Alexander and was made in 2007. I was looking for a comedy to watch and came across this. From the cover, I took as a response to Tyler Perry’s movie “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” which I have also seen and enjoyed.

After the first three minutes of the movie, it’s shown that it’s a movie with actors and well written scenes but also a documentary with street commentary of the clips as well as answers to questions asked by the director.

The movie surrounds the relationship of James and Tonya. They had been married for four years with one daughter. The first clip shows Tonya sitting in her home with three of her friends and James pulls with a white woman. Tonya as well as her friends voices their opinion about James and his new girlfriend and how he has the audacity to pull up and kiss his white girlfriend in front of her. When he comes to the door, we find out he’s there to pick up their daughter. After about five seconds, James gets bombarded with mean names (weak ass nigga) by Tonya and her friends because he is now dating a white girl. We then find out that he pays for the house that Tonya and their daughter lives in. He pays for their car and gives her alimony. She also does not work. Before the clip is over, he says that he is not a weak ass nigga but a tired black man.

Throughout the rest of the movie, we see many clips from actual persons on the streets and in restaurants. They watched the before mentioned clip and give their thoughts. I thought that Tim did a wonderful job with that. I wasn’t just watching what he perceived as a dysfunctional relationship between two married. I wasn’t just watching actors acting. It also displayed real thoughts and feelings. He asked questions to passer Byers about their past relationships and personal feelings. He didn’t ask anything too revealing but we did find that a common topic both men and women love to talk about is love and relationships.

In the beginning, he focuses on a term that I’ve heard on occasion: the angry black woman syndrome. He defined the “angry black woman syndrome” as a black woman who is extremely bitter from her past; misery loves company type of woman. She constantly wants to argue, whether it’s valid or not and she has said the phrase There are not any more good black men to whomever she wanted to tell it to. It is how she feels and she will always feel like this because of some bad relationships with black men. Tim going on the streets of Chicago, Atlanta, New York and L.A. confirmed where he got the term from. He met with a lot of women who felt that way and explained in detail as to why they felt like that. I found myself nodding my head in agreement to some what of they were saying and also shaking my head at some comments. One thing I think all women do, both black and white, is that we hold a lot of things in. If we’ve gotten hurt by one guy, two guys, and three guys, that fourth guy, as wonderful as he can be, will catch because of the three guys ahead of him. Tim also spoke to me and asked how they felt about the “angry black woman syndrome”. They all had about the same consensus. Black women are making bad decisions in which they meet, lay with and have children with. Black women can be exhausting because they want to fight. The black man just wants peace and the black woman can’t have peace. Too many young black girls and boys are raised by just single women and that’s destined for failure in future relationships. I agree to some extent with the men. Women, in general needs to make better decisions with the men they meet. Not every man we meet is going to be that knight in shining armor. That goes the same for men thinking they found the woman of their dreams and she turns out to be a nightmare. I do not know about black women wanting to constantly argue. I do know of some but not only black. I’ve met all types of women who love to make their sweat and not in the good way.

Tim Alexander then took different situations that the viewer as well as the people on the street could comment on. He touched on child support, gold digging women, and women who talk too much to their friends. I can see the problem that men see with women talking too much. Misery Loves Company can definitely happen with this subject. If a woman is happy with her man, another woman can find one thing wrong with that man and let her know. Even if she wasn’t asked for that advice, she will give it. Not all women do this but I have personally seen it and know that it can be a problem in a relationship. Diary of a Tired Black Man really highlights why this is something women should be wary of. He also talks about interracial dating and how it affects black women. He makes the point of black women getting angry when they see a black man with a white woman whereas a black man not getting mad when he sees a black woman with a white man.

The ending does have a surprise which I at first added but have taken off. It did make me think and happy at the outcome. I thought the movie was great insight into what men, particularly black men think about black women and relationships. I liked that it was both a movie with real actors and commentary from regular people. Tim Alexander did what everybody else with conversations and ideas and put it on film. I suggest that everyone, men and women, black and white watch this movie and form their opinion if they don’t already have one.

When renting Diary of a Tired Black Man, I honestly thought it was a spoof or something completely comedic. It was funny as well as enlightening, interesting and a great male point of view.