Look back on my 2009....

I'm doing this a little early. Next week, 2010 begins and all of 2009 ends. 2009 for me was long. This year has been very long and full of mountains and plains. I say that because I made a lot of decisions. Some for good and I know now that some were bad. I learned a lot about myself and my mind. I've learned about the complexities of love, passion, friendship and pain. This year has truly been full of self-evaluation and reflection. I've noticed that I've been looking at myself from outside. Asking myself why did I do that or this? Did I do that? Do I really like this or that? Am I ready for this? Why didn't I and why do I continue to do this? 2009 has been all about questions. A lot of sighs and reliefs. 2009 was very helpful for me but also somewhat fearful. I guess I feel like this year is preparing me for a lot more things. Good and bad. I lost my job this year but plan on getting married in 2011. I'm actively trying to lose weight but also feel like I'm losing my mind at times. I joined a spoken word group and writing more poetry which I did plan on doing. My poetry has been definitely helping me and meeting new people is always a great thing. I've found people from my past and very happy about that. I'm going to be 27 in a few days and actually feel like I've caught up with my age. Before, I would always feel like I was behind. I was always the youngest of everything. I didn't look my age or hung out with people my age. Now I feel like I am 26, going on 27. In 2010, I will no longer the Bag Lady. Everything I learned this year will applied to 2010.

Ima a diva, Ima a diva, Ima a diva

So I went to the gym this morning around 10. Usually in the morning, the majority of the people are elderly or stay at home moms. This time, there were enough of that but also a group of women that looked like they could auditioned for Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. I saw them from downstairs and put on my earphones. I looked down at my playlist and instantly thought, "Why not start with Beyonce this morning?" So I head upstairs and I see those women standing near the equipment I usually use; giggling and pointing at each other's body parts. I don't know why they were but oh well. I turn the music and some how start walking to the beat. Body was swaying and strutting. I promise I don't do this on purpose. Depending on the song, I end up doing that. As the beat gets harder, (I'm sure you have but if you haven't, here is Diva by Beyonce http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNM5HW13_O8 ) I make eye contact with everyone I walked past. It was almost like a video or something. I strut a little closer the group of women and they all suddenly stop talking and look at me. I am such a writer because that's when my imagination went from 1 to 10 in two seconds. I was no longer in a gym but a party and the woman of the hour had arrived. Not Beyonce but Cassandra and everyone just became speechless. I got on my machine and began revving it up. I was a diva at that moment. Not in the bad sense though (if there is a bad sense these days) but in the sense of confidence and security. I worked out hard and smiled doing it. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt proud. I guess working out is starting to work now. Not necessarily on the outside yet because it hasn't been long enough. It has helped the inner self image that I carry with me on a daily. Have I lost weight yet? I don't know because I still haven't been on a scale. I am, however, starting to slowly lose the insecue weight on my mind. 2010, I plan on making me a lot stronger than I am with each day.

Week #2--One big sigh

All I can say is that I hate shopping. I literally hate dressing rooms because they are small which makes me look wider. I hate the mirrors because I am convinced that they are distorted. I never really liked shopping anyway. I've always been good to find exactly what I want in 30 minutes or less and be out. Now I have try on everything and I usually get sizes too big so I can narrow it down exactly what I should be wearing. I refuse to be like that type of woman who wears that extra small shirt JUST BECAUSE I could some years ago. I can't see how people do that but that's another blog. But I am eating healthy now. Not enough meals according to my father but he's right. I've only been eating once day. Not on purpose. I'm just not hungry until later in the day and then after that, I'm good. But I do need to eat at least four times a day, throw a protein shake or a smoothie too. Now I know. You're looking at my title and it says "week two". I am asking for a lot just for week two but what can I say. I'm impatient. I'm working out twice a week but will probably change that to four times a week. Last night's workout was a killer. After five minutes of cardio, my legs were on fire...but I worked through it. I stuck with it. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow and then again on Monday. I would post my weight but I actually don't know it. Maybe I don't want to know. Right now I'm thinking a certain number and just sticking with that. One big sigh....