Thanksgiving....to me

Thanksgiving 2009 for me....Indianapolis weather has the typical cool breeze. Leaves are still on the ground and the smell of food is floating in the air. I'm at my father's house now and will be here probably for the remainder of the day. I'm going to watch some cable, use up some internet and eat until I can't take it no more. I have fond memories of Thanksgiving as a child. Helping my father peel potatoes, learning the right way to make mac and cheese from my mother, trying chitlins for the first time (very interesting!) and spending time with family. I never cared for the whole dinner with the Pilgrims and the Indians. Even as a kid, all that meant to me was the Pilgrims filled their stomachs up before the killing. That whole "happy go lucky" picture that they fed us in school was BS to me. Now at 26, I still feel the same. I celebrate families getting together. I know of some families that only meet during the holidays. Not everyone is close to their families so if this is a way to bring them together, I'm all for it. Now, along with quality time with family, I've been gaining knowledge too. I've been finding Native American quotes, proverbs and words of wisdom. One of my Twitter friends @ciciwryter said that there is more to eating. That we need to stay aware. I hope that people do make themselves aware of Native American history. Read about the beauty of their culture, their history, and their people. Don't just eat. Read. Research. Learn.

Check out http://www.legendsofamerica.com/NA-Proverbs.html for quotes and proverbs. Enjoy!

Back into it....(sigh!)

I went back to the gym today. It's been a year and a half and my original starting date was August 1st. Well, three months later and here I am. I found my old membership badge, a sports bra, some workout clothes and I was off. Thanks to my mother for getting me a IPOD Touch. Going to gym without music is horrible for me. If I can speed up or slow down to the tunes in my ears, insecurities begin to sink in and take over. My eyes begin to wander. To the left: This girl obviously doesn't need to be working out. She looks like Beyonce. She's just taking up space. Damn, why can't I look like that? To the right: I hope this man sweating profusely doesn't have a heart attack. Then of course when I look up as I have Janet Jackson blaring in my ear, the TVs has the Today show on and of course they are featuring favorite Thanksgiving recipes. I will admit that I have gone insane for choosing this weeks of all weeks to go back to the gym. How I see though is that this week is motivation. In fact the next couple of months is motivation for me along with harming images that I keep replaying in my head. I need to keep it up and stay motivated. Why? I am getting married (sarcastic Yayy!) and all I keep seeing is disaster in a dress and being upset. So it's time for me to work out, eat right, and do as much as I can before the big day. When is the big day? Not until April 9 2011 but still...2010 is just around the corner. Before I know it, I'll be hearing "Ma'am, can you suck in just a little bit more? We still need to squeeze in one more roll!" Oohhhhhh myyyyy goodnesss! I am not the one! Wish me luck folks.

Beauty within

My beauty has been caught in words & photos.

Behind bars, held hostage from me during my lows.

But now I've found the key and let it free.

Can you see me?

(c) Cassandra Daniels 2009

Blackness

I feel my blackness through my veins
from the tightness of those slavery chains
from the southern trees that grew strange fruit
that ripped at our souls that came straight from the root
I feel my blackness through the joy of freedom from Lincoln
but he didn't free us for the right reasons
he wanted us to rebuild a country that didn't love us so he gave us hope and released our chains
replaced then with laws
that made us feel drained
We couldn't choose our destinies
discover our identities but we still had to love this country
Marcus Garvey came on the scene
with his speeches and poems
of 'back to Africa' journeys
"find out the truth and you will be free"
but to many of us, hostages or not, this was all we knew and this is our truth
Now it's the 20s and Harlem is alive
with poetry and art that stimulates our minds
with dancing and singing
we're having a good time
we're holding our heads up and lifting our voices
loving each other and making our own choices
Times are hard but we will survive
This rebirth of black love kept us alive
I feel my blackness
through the beginning of Jim Crow
We're losing control of what we have
and it made us feel low
I feel my blackness
through the increasing
of lynchings and beatings
and misleadings
They're taking away our air before we can breathe it
blinding our eyes before we really can see it
closing our mouths and tearing our hearts where we couldn't say anything
or feel anything
It's now WWII
we're fighting on the front lines
we're making ourselves strong
imprinting our faces onto their minds
we should be welcomed with open arms
be respected with smiles and many praises
Times have changed and should be for the better
but even after all that, it's still stormy weather
Now we're thinking
"maybe they'll understand
we're all men and we've earned this right
we should be able to open our eyes when it's day and sleep well at night"
It's now the civil rights movement
Rosa Parks sat down
Dr. King stood up
Malcolm is making us feel our blackness
Black is black
a strength, not a weakness
Then we got the real right to vote and it rocked our boat
We've made it better for our kids and their kids
Right?
We closed our eyes and exhaled and said we finally did it
Then we lost Malcolm
Had we made it better
Next it was Martin
Was it really better?
We now have black pride
we've shot down all the lies
it's just me and you
We're black people
now we're beautiful
Malcolm and Martin have led the way
The Black Panthers are making us see better days
We're strong
we're tall
"I'm black and I'm proud"
was heard through the racial walls
I feel my blackness with every touch I lay
With every look from my eyes
With my talk and stride
Blackness is no longer a color but an attitude
It's who I am and now I hope
you feel my blackness.

(c) Cassandra Daniels

Red Kool Aid

My favorite was always red
Cherry
Fruit punch
Strawberry
It all tasted the same
Never mattered the name
As long as it was red.
But as I lay here
And see nothing but
It’s beginning to change
I stare down at my blurry hands
My soaking legs
And bleeding stomach and wonder if this is real
I couldn’t have done this
But I have
I granted your wish
You didn’t want this seed
So I did what you couldn’t
What you didn’t have the heart to do
I did it for you
And even if you thought the constant
Yelling and screaming didn’t do the trick
I took care of that shit
As I sit here
Repeatedly hearing your lies
While trying to hold back tears
That escapes from my eyes
I cringe as little Derrick
Or little Monica’s blood runs through my veins
You see
I believed you
When you said you would hold me
When I was in pain
But I guess that didn’t include
The kind that was self inflicted
So I guess we’re not going to have
R. Kelly playing
Or candles burning
Or the make believe fairy tale of
Our lives together
You don’t want to hear about all of that
Our two year relationship ended the second I said those words
When a silly crush merged
Into this.
But since you aren’t working
And I’m still trying to get my education
A real abortion wasn’t going to happen
But you knew we wouldn’t need any money
With all the sleepless nights of you
Accusing me of lying down with another
Your cousin
Your boys
Even your brother
You knew all of this would get to me
But see
It wasn’t that long ago
That I lied down on your bed
You said
“This will feel good”
I said
“I’m scared and not in the mood”
You said
“It will be okay”
I asked
“Will you love me always?”
You said
“As long as the sun shines
You will always be mine.”
Well
Darkness has fallen upon us
And separated our beings
Because you are not with me
And everything is ending
So now I’m sitting in this tub of water
Which is turning a dark reddish color
I’ve hit my stomach so many times
That I don’t even feel like it’s crime
It’s just evil
In the midst of my tears
I can hear my unborn baby cry
It’s calling out my name
I can hear him or her saying to me
“I’m not the one to blame”
But I am the one that laid
In a bed that wasn’t mine
Filled with lust but thought was love all intertwined
I cry harder as the water became redder
Maybe next time I would have known better
Maybe next time I would have thought twice
Maybe next time I will decide not to lay
But now I know
That my child will never know
The taste of red kool aid

(c) Cassandra Daniels

"Diary of a Tired Black Man" review

I just finished watching “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. This movie was directed and produced by Tim Alexander and was made in 2007. I was looking for a comedy to watch and came across this. From the cover, I took as a response to Tyler Perry’s movie “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” which I have also seen and enjoyed.

After the first three minutes of the movie, it’s shown that it’s a movie with actors and well written scenes but also a documentary with street commentary of the clips as well as answers to questions asked by the director.

The movie surrounds the relationship of James and Tonya. They had been married for four years with one daughter. The first clip shows Tonya sitting in her home with three of her friends and James pulls with a white woman. Tonya as well as her friends voices their opinion about James and his new girlfriend and how he has the audacity to pull up and kiss his white girlfriend in front of her. When he comes to the door, we find out he’s there to pick up their daughter. After about five seconds, James gets bombarded with mean names (weak ass nigga) by Tonya and her friends because he is now dating a white girl. We then find out that he pays for the house that Tonya and their daughter lives in. He pays for their car and gives her alimony. She also does not work. Before the clip is over, he says that he is not a weak ass nigga but a tired black man.

Throughout the rest of the movie, we see many clips from actual persons on the streets and in restaurants. They watched the before mentioned clip and give their thoughts. I thought that Tim did a wonderful job with that. I wasn’t just watching what he perceived as a dysfunctional relationship between two married. I wasn’t just watching actors acting. It also displayed real thoughts and feelings. He asked questions to passer Byers about their past relationships and personal feelings. He didn’t ask anything too revealing but we did find that a common topic both men and women love to talk about is love and relationships.

In the beginning, he focuses on a term that I’ve heard on occasion: the angry black woman syndrome. He defined the “angry black woman syndrome” as a black woman who is extremely bitter from her past; misery loves company type of woman. She constantly wants to argue, whether it’s valid or not and she has said the phrase There are not any more good black men to whomever she wanted to tell it to. It is how she feels and she will always feel like this because of some bad relationships with black men. Tim going on the streets of Chicago, Atlanta, New York and L.A. confirmed where he got the term from. He met with a lot of women who felt that way and explained in detail as to why they felt like that. I found myself nodding my head in agreement to some what of they were saying and also shaking my head at some comments. One thing I think all women do, both black and white, is that we hold a lot of things in. If we’ve gotten hurt by one guy, two guys, and three guys, that fourth guy, as wonderful as he can be, will catch because of the three guys ahead of him. Tim also spoke to me and asked how they felt about the “angry black woman syndrome”. They all had about the same consensus. Black women are making bad decisions in which they meet, lay with and have children with. Black women can be exhausting because they want to fight. The black man just wants peace and the black woman can’t have peace. Too many young black girls and boys are raised by just single women and that’s destined for failure in future relationships. I agree to some extent with the men. Women, in general needs to make better decisions with the men they meet. Not every man we meet is going to be that knight in shining armor. That goes the same for men thinking they found the woman of their dreams and she turns out to be a nightmare. I do not know about black women wanting to constantly argue. I do know of some but not only black. I’ve met all types of women who love to make their sweat and not in the good way.

Tim Alexander then took different situations that the viewer as well as the people on the street could comment on. He touched on child support, gold digging women, and women who talk too much to their friends. I can see the problem that men see with women talking too much. Misery Loves Company can definitely happen with this subject. If a woman is happy with her man, another woman can find one thing wrong with that man and let her know. Even if she wasn’t asked for that advice, she will give it. Not all women do this but I have personally seen it and know that it can be a problem in a relationship. Diary of a Tired Black Man really highlights why this is something women should be wary of. He also talks about interracial dating and how it affects black women. He makes the point of black women getting angry when they see a black man with a white woman whereas a black man not getting mad when he sees a black woman with a white man.

The ending does have a surprise which I at first added but have taken off. It did make me think and happy at the outcome. I thought the movie was great insight into what men, particularly black men think about black women and relationships. I liked that it was both a movie with real actors and commentary from regular people. Tim Alexander did what everybody else with conversations and ideas and put it on film. I suggest that everyone, men and women, black and white watch this movie and form their opinion if they don’t already have one.

When renting Diary of a Tired Black Man, I honestly thought it was a spoof or something completely comedic. It was funny as well as enlightening, interesting and a great male point of view.

RIP Aaliyah

I remember when Aaliyah passed away. I was getting ready for work at a coffee shop. At the time, my father delivered the newspaper. When he got home, he was on his cell phone with my mother. She was living in Jackson at the time. I walked into the living room and sat down and he dropped the newspaper in front of me. On the bottom right was the headline "R&B star and actress Aaliyah Haughton died in plane crash". I couldn't move. I just kept looking at the headline and then at her picture and back to the headline. It was so surreal that I didn't even believe it. I went into my bedroom and turned on the news. MTV had Aaliyah's friends crying and talking about her life and along the bottom of the screen was that she had in fact passed away. I turned to BET and they were running the time when she was on 106 & Park. They had on slow mo with Boys II Men playing "One Sweet Day". They shown her picture and 1979-2001. That is when I broke down. I cried and cried. For those who know me, I don't cry. I haven't cried during any personal funerals at all. I just don't cry. Her death crippled me literally. It was as if I had lost a sister or a best friend. Aaliyah to me was that older sister. Whenever I was trying to make a decision or felt a certain emotion, her songs helped me through them. I was a singer and dancer. I memorized all of her songs and dance videos. I've sang Aaliyah's songs in just about every talent show I've done. So I eventually pulled myself together and went to work. Ironically, I was working with a female who I talked to all the time about music. She and I talked about Aaliyah all day. That day just hurt me deep.

There is a song that I constantly played during that time and it was "I Care For U" by Aaliyah. When I first heard it, it was during her Behind the Music. I heard it and it was so haunting.

Hey my baby. Tell me why you cry. Here, take my hand and wipe those tears from your eyes. Can I talk to you? Comfort you? Let you know...I care for you.

I played that song over and over and over. I just couldn't believe that she was gone just like that. Just gone. She had just made the "Rock the Boat" video and I remember watching the making of it. I kept asking myself I just saw her/how is she gone? During an interview, Fatima had said the same thing...she just waved to these people, told them she loved them and then.... The crazy part is that the end of the "Rock the Boat" video, Aaliyah's swimming in the water and she's going up to the top. The water is so clear that you see the sky and the clouds and the sun is shining down on her. I'm not religious at all but watching it after her passing, all I could think of was she was an angel going to heaven because it really looks like it.

Aaliyah and her music will forever be my heart. She is gone but never forgotten. RIP girl...