The clear vision

I am finally getting the clear vision that I've heard others talk about and try to explain to me. I have a clear vision of my future and a better outlook of my life and my mind. I'm still growing of course as anyone else does but each day, I learn something new about myself and how I feel about life. One thing that has changed over the years that I now see myself actually getting married and being in a fulfilling marriage with children. Before, it was that I would get married, have children and then he'd cheat which would then leave me as a single mother. I grasped on that idea so much that I eventually told my parents that I wouldn't go through all of that pain and heartache. I'll just go to a sperm bank and have a child like that. I would know what I was getting into. At least I'd be able to protect myself. As I've gotten older though, I began looking at my life and how I was raised. I could get married and my husband just might cheat and we'd get a divorce. Under no circumstances, though, would I deny my (ex)husband to see his child. I couldn't do that. I don't know how I could. My parents are my best friends. Even more than that, I'm very close to my father. Daughters need their mothers and definitely need their fathers. I wouldn't want any child of mine to not know their father, no matter what happens. However, now, I understand what others used to tell me when I was growing up. You don't want to be the girlfriend forever. I used to think that I didn't need a ring/marriage to show my love to this person. I would be content with just that. Now I understand that I would want children and to be married to someone who I can work out any and everything.I hope that does work out for me now that I want it. We'll see.

Favorite LIVE performances

Why aren't you a mother yet?

When I worked at Walmart, I worked with many females. I hung out with them outside of work and talked to them on a daily. I had a few things in common with these women; we all were African American, in our 20s and we all love to go to the all male revues. Other than that, it was really it. I'm a writer and more of a homebody. I never really cared for the club scene. The number one difference was and still is that I do not have any children. I would say 90% of the females there had a child. When I first told them that I didn't have any children, they asked the question: Why not? Why aren't you a mother yet? I want to wait. I always use protection when I get physical with someone. It hasn't been my time to have children yet. It's been all of those reasons and yet, sometimes, I ask myself the same question. I want children. I think about kids on a daily. I have dreams about kids. When I volunteered in Jackson to help kids read, I loved it. I believe that I am meant to be a writer and a mother. So why hasn't it happened yet? It's not that I've purposely tried to get pregnant. No poking the condom or not birth control or anything like that. I've done everything to remain safe and as secure as I can be. I also know that I need to be somewhat financially ready for a child. That's the right idea. It's the right way. It does get me wondering though if it'll happen. I don't want to be in my late 30s trying to have kids. I know for a fact that I'm not alone in this. That makes it comforting. I guess when it comes down to it, it'll happen when the time is right.

Booksigning update

The booksigning last Saturday...time to update. So I got there a hour early. I walked in and saw a few employees and the place was pretty quiet. I introduced myself to the new manager who was very happy that I was there. Apparently the guy I was talking to previously was no longer with them and the new manager didn't have my contact information. Brett (new manager) and Ashley (employee) were really nice. I thank Books On Sale bookstore for allowing to be there. My brother was with me so we started setting up. I had a really nice area right in front of the doors. The store has three doors to enter and I was in front of two. So Chris (brother) and I started taking pictures of the store, the table set-up, of me--promo shots that I use later which I will be adding really soon. 12:00-it started and not surprising enough, it started slowly. It's a new bookstore so I wasn't expecting crowds of people by any means. Between 12:15 and 12:30, people started showing up and that was cool. I was all smiles and giggles. First off, my goal was to sell five books and meet ten new people. New people, not family or friends, new people-whether they were there for me or not. I am to say that I sold six books and met 22 people. The ones who didn't buy a book got a flyer, bookmark, and small conversation. That was cool. I did meet some very interesting people. One mother and daughter were going to check out the opera and saw my flyer and decided to come through. They were really nice. Then a group of five or six black females started walking toward the bookstore. I was sitting there Damn! They came there, didn't buy the book but we talked about me visiting their reading group. I got each name and gave them my info so that was networking. I was happy for that! Thank you to Lenique, Mechelle, Neece, Sam, and Candice! I look forward to talking book and words with you! My mother was very proud as usual. My family is so supportive. I thank them so much for their help! I am so grateful to them. Overall the booksigning was success. I did what I wanted as far as my goals and got my name out there. Books on Sale (www.booksonsaleindy.org) are thinking about setting up a booksigning with several authors. I think that's great idea. I'm going to get in touch with some local authors and see what we can do. I'll add pics soon. Thanks again to everyone who came. For those who couldn't and for my out of state friends, I plan on doing a virtual booksigning. If I figure out all the kinks, I think it'll work really well. I'll keep you updated. Until next time, keep reading/writing/pondering!!

Self-Hatred

I have a handful of female friends that I would call a "friend". You have people in life for different reasons: Support, business and security. Support are the people that will have your back no matter what. They will pick up the phone no matter what time it is and listen to you vent and understand your venting. They are real deal supporter during the good and bad and not somebody who just comes around when things are good. Business are the people that someone might refer to as associates or business co-worker. I have many business associates, especially within the writing community. These are the people I would ask for advice about writing, promoting, and marketing. I do have friends who are business associates as well because just as much as I ask for advice, they give me support for my writing. Then of course, security. Security are the people who are the friends that make things happen. I consider my hairdresser , mechanic, book editor, etc. as the security "friends". I speak to them on a daily but for a purpose. I wouldn't consider my hairdresser a friend but I'm secure enough with her to take care of my hair without any worries. She knows what to do without me saying anything. We keep everything personal outside of that because that's not why I'm there. Same for the mechanic and editor--they take care of something that is very delicate and I'm secure with them and know that they won't mess it up. Now, having said all this-I have a handful of female friends because I don't know how to deal or work with females. Meaning being friends with females tends to feel like a job. Case in point: when you walk into your office, you know who not to tell something personal, who not to bring your man around, who not to smile at, or even to eat lunch with it. She talks too much, she's too flirty, she always has an attitude and she mooches. You get a little further to your desk and you see the one who is trying to take your job and is doing just about everything she can to take it. Walk a little further, you pass the girl who whines and cries all the time and she's had another fight with her man. You finally sit down, look up and catch eyes with the worse of them: the hater. She doesn't like you. At all. She probably doesn't have a reason why and you two could hang out if the third wheel of jealousy didn't try to tag along. We've all met these women. We've all worked with them, seen them at our family reunions, hell-might have been these women once or twice. Why is, though, that these types of chicks are always around? Why is there always that one female who feels like the whole world owes her something? What trips me out the most is that no matter how young or old, females will act like that. I was told that I self hate myself because I don't care of females or having a lot of female friends. That's not self-hatred. That's factual. I can honestly say that I do not remember the last time I talked about a female just because she had something I didn't or just for hating sake. I remember one comment about a female I used to work with. She's 28 or 29 years, has six children, not married but ALWAYS at the club and always drinking and getting into fights with other chicks. Last time I heard anything about her, she was having another child. I said she needs to slow down because keeps walking on a very dangerous line. I've said that to her several times so that wasn't anything new but facts are facts. Why do some women feel like what they doesn't affect anyone else? There are women who don't mind being called a bitch. There's women who would set you straight if the first letter of bitch came out your mouth. Then there's women who call themselves bitches but get mad when men do it. Why call yourself that? Why cut down the next female just because you don't have what she has? If you want, work for it. Don't hate about this and that and you're not doing anything. Why are there women who think that five kids by three different men is okay? Now, don't get me wrong. If I had female friendships like Living Single or Girlfriends where we do argue on occassion but still have geniune support for each other and making same strides in business, I would appreciate and be very grateful for that. But...this isn't TV. I have met too many conniving, jealous, worthless females who have nothing better to do but to knock me and what I'm doing. I hate to tell you, though, I won't be knocked by that. In fact, that only makes things better. Who ever said "You can talk about me because I'm hot topic..." knew exactly what they were talking about.

Okay...done venting.

Rainy paths and long winding roads

I have my first booksigning of this year in a couple of weeks and getting a little nervous. I haven't had a booksigning in a couple years and I have been reading articles, writers' blogs, letters and posts about booksigings and other things of that nature. One thing I've noticed is that a lot of authors do not hold booksignings. They have several reasons: cost, not enough in sales, and the closing of book stores is increasing. Why try to set up a book tour when you can go on virtual book tour with other blogs? That is something I want to look into. I think it's not saves on all the reasons listed before but I think you could cover a larger range of people. When I have my booksigning in Cleveland, a lot of my Indy people won't be able to come. On a virtual book tour, any and everyone can chcek it out. If they can't come by the blog on the specific day, they can always check it out later. So I'm definitely looking into that. I have decided that I want to set up an online book release party. For the same reasons, I want to have a nice online party and talk about Karma and take care of everything without spending all the money. So we shall see. I hope everything works out.

Funny thing happened...

A week ago, I was at the library writing like usual and this girl walked up to me. She worked there. I had seen her every time I was in there. She had to have been 20, 21 years old. She asked me if I was a writer. I said yes. She thought so because I'm always writing and I always lay my book in front of me for all to see. She asks me a few questions about being a writer and then leaves. I was like cool. That was nice. She comes back with a folder in her hand. She then asks me, "Can you read this essay for me? I've written this over and over and still feel like it's not right." I had just hit a writing speed bump so I said yes. This chick opened up the folder and it was a six page essay! At first I looked at it like what the hell! But...I did it anyway. Now, I wouldn't call myself an editor at all. I almost always need someone to look over my stuff, but I digress. She told me I could mark on it--pretty much do what I wanted. I marked things I thought were wrong and some really good lines. By the end of it, though, I had a lot more wrong marks. When I handed her the paper, she gave me this look like "Damn, I shouldn't have given it to her." I told her not be discouraged and just look at it one more time. Before she left, I gave her my card and asked her to check out my website when she had the chance. My card also has my cell number. She called me yesterday and said she got an A- (94) on her paper and her sorority sisters plan on reading "Karma Has a Name". That made me smile.