I'm engaged! Now what?

It's funny because my now fiance and I had been "planning" a wedding for about six months now. Planning like throwing around ideas, subtly window shopping at venues, colors, decorations, and favors. We signed up to theKnot.com several months ago just so again to get some ideas. So then he proposed on March 20. I just recently got my ring back from it getting sized. So noww........what am I going to do? What any other unconventional bride would do? I have researching and researching and researching and any good idea, I will post either with a blog and/or a video. I don't think I will on this blog. I want to keep my writing first and then have a wedding blog. I will post the address once I start it! But Yayyyyy.....I'm engaged!

Positive roles for the Oscars

I didn't watch the Oscars last night but I hoped that Monique would win. I had to ask myself why though. I did see Precious and thought it was okay. Not necessarily great but both Gabby and Monique gave great performances. Did I see Oscars? Again, not necessarily but at the same time, they did really good. So I was hoping for Monique to win. She did win. I am very happy for her. Then on Twitter and FB, I see others comment about the type of roles that African American actors and actresses are winning Oscars for. Halle won for Monster's Ball, Denzel won for Training Day, Jennifer Hudson won for Dream Girls, Forrest Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland , Jamie Foxx for Ray which I thought that last two were well deserved and loved both movies, Cuba Gooding Jr. for Jerry Maguire and now Monique for Precious. A lot of people are saying why are we for the most part winning for a role that is negative. All in all, African Americans aren't not portrayed in beauty that we are. We're crooked cops, abusive mothers, we have big egos, and adulterers. This may represent some of us but not all of us. All of the actors (excluding Jennifer since it was her first role) have made wonderful films that they should have recognized at that level. To take it a step further, people have been nominated or not and didn't get recognized at all. That definitely makes me upset but that might be getting off the subject. Monique won because her acting was believable. She wasn't just the funny girl anymore. She definitely wasn't trying to make us laugh. We hated her and when have we ever hated Monique? She deserved the award for that indeed. When Halle and Denzel won their awards, I was with everyone else when saying "Why win for those roles? They weren't positive at all." I still kind of feel that but at the same time. Although I didn't care for Monster's Ball or Training Day, the same comment has to apply to them as well. Halle is considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. In Monster's Ball, there was not one thing beautiful about her. She was abusive, obnoxious, and again somebody we didn't like. I didn't like the movie but it was a role we're not used to. Same thing with Denzel. I feel the same way about Denzel that I did back then. He has done some wonderful work and to not get an award for them is disgusting to me. But....I say all of that to say this. As black people, we should celebrate them and not criticize. The Academy isn't paying attention. WE need to pay attention and praise our people for their work. If we keep knocking them down and the Academy is knocking them, how are we any better than them? Congrats to Monique! Congrats to Gabby for being nominated! Congrats to Morgan Freeman, Lee Daniels, and even though I do not know his name, congrats to guy who won the award but got Kanye'd! :)

Helping Haiti and People who are Hating!

Like everyone else, I'm watching the destruction and sorrow in Haiti on the television, online, and hearing it on the radio. It is horrible to watch but something that needs to shown on a daily so that people won't forget or decide to move their attention to something that doesn't deserve it. I saw Katie Couric on Charlie Rose last night and she had just got back from Haiti. She talked about meeting a thirteen year old boy named Pierre who had lost both of his parents, had head trauma and a broken leg. She was holding his hand and asking him questions and he answered what he could. But then when the tented area that they were using for a hospital was silent, Pierre let out a deafening yell and he said "Why me? Why us? Why the horror?" So I'm watching the footage of this little boy and hearing him cry and couldn't imagine what I would do if that happened to me. You could see his pain in his eyes. You could hear it in his screams. You can see and feel the pain through the television. I truly commend the people who are going to Haiti to help, people who are donating, and people who are showing that they give a damn. Now....to the people who are saying ridiculous comments such as the Haitians deserve it or that it's not the US so why are we helping or even it's not my problem. I really don't care. You really don't care? How can anyone not truly care for those people? How can anyone say that they deserve that devastation? Why wouldn't anyone want to help out in any way they could? That $5 that you might use for the club, a pack of cigarettes, a Big Mac, etc. could save hundreds of kids and babies in Haiti! I understand that the economy is bad but it can't be that bad if you just got your nails done and planning on bowling later....when you know those freshly done nails are going to break? I'm not judging but for the people who are judging Haitians for whatever reason, take a good look at yourself first.

Look back on my 2009....

I'm doing this a little early. Next week, 2010 begins and all of 2009 ends. 2009 for me was long. This year has been very long and full of mountains and plains. I say that because I made a lot of decisions. Some for good and I know now that some were bad. I learned a lot about myself and my mind. I've learned about the complexities of love, passion, friendship and pain. This year has truly been full of self-evaluation and reflection. I've noticed that I've been looking at myself from outside. Asking myself why did I do that or this? Did I do that? Do I really like this or that? Am I ready for this? Why didn't I and why do I continue to do this? 2009 has been all about questions. A lot of sighs and reliefs. 2009 was very helpful for me but also somewhat fearful. I guess I feel like this year is preparing me for a lot more things. Good and bad. I lost my job this year but plan on getting married in 2011. I'm actively trying to lose weight but also feel like I'm losing my mind at times. I joined a spoken word group and writing more poetry which I did plan on doing. My poetry has been definitely helping me and meeting new people is always a great thing. I've found people from my past and very happy about that. I'm going to be 27 in a few days and actually feel like I've caught up with my age. Before, I would always feel like I was behind. I was always the youngest of everything. I didn't look my age or hung out with people my age. Now I feel like I am 26, going on 27. In 2010, I will no longer the Bag Lady. Everything I learned this year will applied to 2010.

Ima a diva, Ima a diva, Ima a diva

So I went to the gym this morning around 10. Usually in the morning, the majority of the people are elderly or stay at home moms. This time, there were enough of that but also a group of women that looked like they could auditioned for Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. I saw them from downstairs and put on my earphones. I looked down at my playlist and instantly thought, "Why not start with Beyonce this morning?" So I head upstairs and I see those women standing near the equipment I usually use; giggling and pointing at each other's body parts. I don't know why they were but oh well. I turn the music and some how start walking to the beat. Body was swaying and strutting. I promise I don't do this on purpose. Depending on the song, I end up doing that. As the beat gets harder, (I'm sure you have but if you haven't, here is Diva by Beyonce http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNM5HW13_O8 ) I make eye contact with everyone I walked past. It was almost like a video or something. I strut a little closer the group of women and they all suddenly stop talking and look at me. I am such a writer because that's when my imagination went from 1 to 10 in two seconds. I was no longer in a gym but a party and the woman of the hour had arrived. Not Beyonce but Cassandra and everyone just became speechless. I got on my machine and began revving it up. I was a diva at that moment. Not in the bad sense though (if there is a bad sense these days) but in the sense of confidence and security. I worked out hard and smiled doing it. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt proud. I guess working out is starting to work now. Not necessarily on the outside yet because it hasn't been long enough. It has helped the inner self image that I carry with me on a daily. Have I lost weight yet? I don't know because I still haven't been on a scale. I am, however, starting to slowly lose the insecue weight on my mind. 2010, I plan on making me a lot stronger than I am with each day.

Week #2--One big sigh

All I can say is that I hate shopping. I literally hate dressing rooms because they are small which makes me look wider. I hate the mirrors because I am convinced that they are distorted. I never really liked shopping anyway. I've always been good to find exactly what I want in 30 minutes or less and be out. Now I have try on everything and I usually get sizes too big so I can narrow it down exactly what I should be wearing. I refuse to be like that type of woman who wears that extra small shirt JUST BECAUSE I could some years ago. I can't see how people do that but that's another blog. But I am eating healthy now. Not enough meals according to my father but he's right. I've only been eating once day. Not on purpose. I'm just not hungry until later in the day and then after that, I'm good. But I do need to eat at least four times a day, throw a protein shake or a smoothie too. Now I know. You're looking at my title and it says "week two". I am asking for a lot just for week two but what can I say. I'm impatient. I'm working out twice a week but will probably change that to four times a week. Last night's workout was a killer. After five minutes of cardio, my legs were on fire...but I worked through it. I stuck with it. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow and then again on Monday. I would post my weight but I actually don't know it. Maybe I don't want to know. Right now I'm thinking a certain number and just sticking with that. One big sigh....

Thanksgiving....to me

Thanksgiving 2009 for me....Indianapolis weather has the typical cool breeze. Leaves are still on the ground and the smell of food is floating in the air. I'm at my father's house now and will be here probably for the remainder of the day. I'm going to watch some cable, use up some internet and eat until I can't take it no more. I have fond memories of Thanksgiving as a child. Helping my father peel potatoes, learning the right way to make mac and cheese from my mother, trying chitlins for the first time (very interesting!) and spending time with family. I never cared for the whole dinner with the Pilgrims and the Indians. Even as a kid, all that meant to me was the Pilgrims filled their stomachs up before the killing. That whole "happy go lucky" picture that they fed us in school was BS to me. Now at 26, I still feel the same. I celebrate families getting together. I know of some families that only meet during the holidays. Not everyone is close to their families so if this is a way to bring them together, I'm all for it. Now, along with quality time with family, I've been gaining knowledge too. I've been finding Native American quotes, proverbs and words of wisdom. One of my Twitter friends @ciciwryter said that there is more to eating. That we need to stay aware. I hope that people do make themselves aware of Native American history. Read about the beauty of their culture, their history, and their people. Don't just eat. Read. Research. Learn.

Check out http://www.legendsofamerica.com/NA-Proverbs.html for quotes and proverbs. Enjoy!

Back into it....(sigh!)

I went back to the gym today. It's been a year and a half and my original starting date was August 1st. Well, three months later and here I am. I found my old membership badge, a sports bra, some workout clothes and I was off. Thanks to my mother for getting me a IPOD Touch. Going to gym without music is horrible for me. If I can speed up or slow down to the tunes in my ears, insecurities begin to sink in and take over. My eyes begin to wander. To the left: This girl obviously doesn't need to be working out. She looks like Beyonce. She's just taking up space. Damn, why can't I look like that? To the right: I hope this man sweating profusely doesn't have a heart attack. Then of course when I look up as I have Janet Jackson blaring in my ear, the TVs has the Today show on and of course they are featuring favorite Thanksgiving recipes. I will admit that I have gone insane for choosing this weeks of all weeks to go back to the gym. How I see though is that this week is motivation. In fact the next couple of months is motivation for me along with harming images that I keep replaying in my head. I need to keep it up and stay motivated. Why? I am getting married (sarcastic Yayy!) and all I keep seeing is disaster in a dress and being upset. So it's time for me to work out, eat right, and do as much as I can before the big day. When is the big day? Not until April 9 2011 but still...2010 is just around the corner. Before I know it, I'll be hearing "Ma'am, can you suck in just a little bit more? We still need to squeeze in one more roll!" Oohhhhhh myyyyy goodnesss! I am not the one! Wish me luck folks.

Beauty within

My beauty has been caught in words & photos.

Behind bars, held hostage from me during my lows.

But now I've found the key and let it free.

Can you see me?

(c) Cassandra Daniels 2009

Blackness

I feel my blackness through my veins
from the tightness of those slavery chains
from the southern trees that grew strange fruit
that ripped at our souls that came straight from the root
I feel my blackness through the joy of freedom from Lincoln
but he didn't free us for the right reasons
he wanted us to rebuild a country that didn't love us so he gave us hope and released our chains
replaced then with laws
that made us feel drained
We couldn't choose our destinies
discover our identities but we still had to love this country
Marcus Garvey came on the scene
with his speeches and poems
of 'back to Africa' journeys
"find out the truth and you will be free"
but to many of us, hostages or not, this was all we knew and this is our truth
Now it's the 20s and Harlem is alive
with poetry and art that stimulates our minds
with dancing and singing
we're having a good time
we're holding our heads up and lifting our voices
loving each other and making our own choices
Times are hard but we will survive
This rebirth of black love kept us alive
I feel my blackness
through the beginning of Jim Crow
We're losing control of what we have
and it made us feel low
I feel my blackness
through the increasing
of lynchings and beatings
and misleadings
They're taking away our air before we can breathe it
blinding our eyes before we really can see it
closing our mouths and tearing our hearts where we couldn't say anything
or feel anything
It's now WWII
we're fighting on the front lines
we're making ourselves strong
imprinting our faces onto their minds
we should be welcomed with open arms
be respected with smiles and many praises
Times have changed and should be for the better
but even after all that, it's still stormy weather
Now we're thinking
"maybe they'll understand
we're all men and we've earned this right
we should be able to open our eyes when it's day and sleep well at night"
It's now the civil rights movement
Rosa Parks sat down
Dr. King stood up
Malcolm is making us feel our blackness
Black is black
a strength, not a weakness
Then we got the real right to vote and it rocked our boat
We've made it better for our kids and their kids
Right?
We closed our eyes and exhaled and said we finally did it
Then we lost Malcolm
Had we made it better
Next it was Martin
Was it really better?
We now have black pride
we've shot down all the lies
it's just me and you
We're black people
now we're beautiful
Malcolm and Martin have led the way
The Black Panthers are making us see better days
We're strong
we're tall
"I'm black and I'm proud"
was heard through the racial walls
I feel my blackness with every touch I lay
With every look from my eyes
With my talk and stride
Blackness is no longer a color but an attitude
It's who I am and now I hope
you feel my blackness.

(c) Cassandra Daniels

Red Kool Aid

My favorite was always red
Cherry
Fruit punch
Strawberry
It all tasted the same
Never mattered the name
As long as it was red.
But as I lay here
And see nothing but
It’s beginning to change
I stare down at my blurry hands
My soaking legs
And bleeding stomach and wonder if this is real
I couldn’t have done this
But I have
I granted your wish
You didn’t want this seed
So I did what you couldn’t
What you didn’t have the heart to do
I did it for you
And even if you thought the constant
Yelling and screaming didn’t do the trick
I took care of that shit
As I sit here
Repeatedly hearing your lies
While trying to hold back tears
That escapes from my eyes
I cringe as little Derrick
Or little Monica’s blood runs through my veins
You see
I believed you
When you said you would hold me
When I was in pain
But I guess that didn’t include
The kind that was self inflicted
So I guess we’re not going to have
R. Kelly playing
Or candles burning
Or the make believe fairy tale of
Our lives together
You don’t want to hear about all of that
Our two year relationship ended the second I said those words
When a silly crush merged
Into this.
But since you aren’t working
And I’m still trying to get my education
A real abortion wasn’t going to happen
But you knew we wouldn’t need any money
With all the sleepless nights of you
Accusing me of lying down with another
Your cousin
Your boys
Even your brother
You knew all of this would get to me
But see
It wasn’t that long ago
That I lied down on your bed
You said
“This will feel good”
I said
“I’m scared and not in the mood”
You said
“It will be okay”
I asked
“Will you love me always?”
You said
“As long as the sun shines
You will always be mine.”
Well
Darkness has fallen upon us
And separated our beings
Because you are not with me
And everything is ending
So now I’m sitting in this tub of water
Which is turning a dark reddish color
I’ve hit my stomach so many times
That I don’t even feel like it’s crime
It’s just evil
In the midst of my tears
I can hear my unborn baby cry
It’s calling out my name
I can hear him or her saying to me
“I’m not the one to blame”
But I am the one that laid
In a bed that wasn’t mine
Filled with lust but thought was love all intertwined
I cry harder as the water became redder
Maybe next time I would have known better
Maybe next time I would have thought twice
Maybe next time I will decide not to lay
But now I know
That my child will never know
The taste of red kool aid

(c) Cassandra Daniels

"Diary of a Tired Black Man" review

I just finished watching “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. This movie was directed and produced by Tim Alexander and was made in 2007. I was looking for a comedy to watch and came across this. From the cover, I took as a response to Tyler Perry’s movie “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” which I have also seen and enjoyed.

After the first three minutes of the movie, it’s shown that it’s a movie with actors and well written scenes but also a documentary with street commentary of the clips as well as answers to questions asked by the director.

The movie surrounds the relationship of James and Tonya. They had been married for four years with one daughter. The first clip shows Tonya sitting in her home with three of her friends and James pulls with a white woman. Tonya as well as her friends voices their opinion about James and his new girlfriend and how he has the audacity to pull up and kiss his white girlfriend in front of her. When he comes to the door, we find out he’s there to pick up their daughter. After about five seconds, James gets bombarded with mean names (weak ass nigga) by Tonya and her friends because he is now dating a white girl. We then find out that he pays for the house that Tonya and their daughter lives in. He pays for their car and gives her alimony. She also does not work. Before the clip is over, he says that he is not a weak ass nigga but a tired black man.

Throughout the rest of the movie, we see many clips from actual persons on the streets and in restaurants. They watched the before mentioned clip and give their thoughts. I thought that Tim did a wonderful job with that. I wasn’t just watching what he perceived as a dysfunctional relationship between two married. I wasn’t just watching actors acting. It also displayed real thoughts and feelings. He asked questions to passer Byers about their past relationships and personal feelings. He didn’t ask anything too revealing but we did find that a common topic both men and women love to talk about is love and relationships.

In the beginning, he focuses on a term that I’ve heard on occasion: the angry black woman syndrome. He defined the “angry black woman syndrome” as a black woman who is extremely bitter from her past; misery loves company type of woman. She constantly wants to argue, whether it’s valid or not and she has said the phrase There are not any more good black men to whomever she wanted to tell it to. It is how she feels and she will always feel like this because of some bad relationships with black men. Tim going on the streets of Chicago, Atlanta, New York and L.A. confirmed where he got the term from. He met with a lot of women who felt that way and explained in detail as to why they felt like that. I found myself nodding my head in agreement to some what of they were saying and also shaking my head at some comments. One thing I think all women do, both black and white, is that we hold a lot of things in. If we’ve gotten hurt by one guy, two guys, and three guys, that fourth guy, as wonderful as he can be, will catch because of the three guys ahead of him. Tim also spoke to me and asked how they felt about the “angry black woman syndrome”. They all had about the same consensus. Black women are making bad decisions in which they meet, lay with and have children with. Black women can be exhausting because they want to fight. The black man just wants peace and the black woman can’t have peace. Too many young black girls and boys are raised by just single women and that’s destined for failure in future relationships. I agree to some extent with the men. Women, in general needs to make better decisions with the men they meet. Not every man we meet is going to be that knight in shining armor. That goes the same for men thinking they found the woman of their dreams and she turns out to be a nightmare. I do not know about black women wanting to constantly argue. I do know of some but not only black. I’ve met all types of women who love to make their sweat and not in the good way.

Tim Alexander then took different situations that the viewer as well as the people on the street could comment on. He touched on child support, gold digging women, and women who talk too much to their friends. I can see the problem that men see with women talking too much. Misery Loves Company can definitely happen with this subject. If a woman is happy with her man, another woman can find one thing wrong with that man and let her know. Even if she wasn’t asked for that advice, she will give it. Not all women do this but I have personally seen it and know that it can be a problem in a relationship. Diary of a Tired Black Man really highlights why this is something women should be wary of. He also talks about interracial dating and how it affects black women. He makes the point of black women getting angry when they see a black man with a white woman whereas a black man not getting mad when he sees a black woman with a white man.

The ending does have a surprise which I at first added but have taken off. It did make me think and happy at the outcome. I thought the movie was great insight into what men, particularly black men think about black women and relationships. I liked that it was both a movie with real actors and commentary from regular people. Tim Alexander did what everybody else with conversations and ideas and put it on film. I suggest that everyone, men and women, black and white watch this movie and form their opinion if they don’t already have one.

When renting Diary of a Tired Black Man, I honestly thought it was a spoof or something completely comedic. It was funny as well as enlightening, interesting and a great male point of view.

RIP Aaliyah

I remember when Aaliyah passed away. I was getting ready for work at a coffee shop. At the time, my father delivered the newspaper. When he got home, he was on his cell phone with my mother. She was living in Jackson at the time. I walked into the living room and sat down and he dropped the newspaper in front of me. On the bottom right was the headline "R&B star and actress Aaliyah Haughton died in plane crash". I couldn't move. I just kept looking at the headline and then at her picture and back to the headline. It was so surreal that I didn't even believe it. I went into my bedroom and turned on the news. MTV had Aaliyah's friends crying and talking about her life and along the bottom of the screen was that she had in fact passed away. I turned to BET and they were running the time when she was on 106 & Park. They had on slow mo with Boys II Men playing "One Sweet Day". They shown her picture and 1979-2001. That is when I broke down. I cried and cried. For those who know me, I don't cry. I haven't cried during any personal funerals at all. I just don't cry. Her death crippled me literally. It was as if I had lost a sister or a best friend. Aaliyah to me was that older sister. Whenever I was trying to make a decision or felt a certain emotion, her songs helped me through them. I was a singer and dancer. I memorized all of her songs and dance videos. I've sang Aaliyah's songs in just about every talent show I've done. So I eventually pulled myself together and went to work. Ironically, I was working with a female who I talked to all the time about music. She and I talked about Aaliyah all day. That day just hurt me deep.

There is a song that I constantly played during that time and it was "I Care For U" by Aaliyah. When I first heard it, it was during her Behind the Music. I heard it and it was so haunting.

Hey my baby. Tell me why you cry. Here, take my hand and wipe those tears from your eyes. Can I talk to you? Comfort you? Let you know...I care for you.

I played that song over and over and over. I just couldn't believe that she was gone just like that. Just gone. She had just made the "Rock the Boat" video and I remember watching the making of it. I kept asking myself I just saw her/how is she gone? During an interview, Fatima had said the same thing...she just waved to these people, told them she loved them and then.... The crazy part is that the end of the "Rock the Boat" video, Aaliyah's swimming in the water and she's going up to the top. The water is so clear that you see the sky and the clouds and the sun is shining down on her. I'm not religious at all but watching it after her passing, all I could think of was she was an angel going to heaven because it really looks like it.

Aaliyah and her music will forever be my heart. She is gone but never forgotten. RIP girl...

Get Empowered!

Music can bring you to a high

That elevates you to the sky

Music can have you shed a tear

With each note, each word so clear

Music allows you to live

Feel free and believe

Music is…empowerment to me.

`Music and writing has always been consistent in my life. I could always find a song or a lyric that would represent what I was feeling or thinking about at the time. It didn’t matter if it was sadness, lust, anger and greed-I could find a singer that felt the same and expressed it through song. One thing I’m learning and growing with each day is empowerment. I feel empowered every time I speak the words I love you to someone because I’m opening my heart to them. When I say it, it’s a big deal. I feel empowered when I dismiss something in my life that I know is bad for me. I feel lighter with each load of stress lifting off my shoulders. I feel empowered through my family, my writing and songs. I listen to certain songs that when I hear them, they make me smile and feel joy in my soul. Here is my list of songs of empowerment.

1^st is “U.N.I.T.Y.” by Queen Latifah, the jazzy hip hop jam that became an anthem for women. The lyrics are powerful that provokes an emotion that for awhile, women were not hearing a man calling them a bitch. Queen Latifah reminded us as women that we can be strong, beautiful and sincere without it being taken as too assertive, arrogant, or too outspoken. Queen Latifah has always demanded respect with a quiet whisper over a sultry jazz tune or a pounding hip hop beat. All Hail the Queen!

2^nd is “A Rose is still a Rose” by Aretha Franklin and Lauryn Hill. Up until then, I only knew of Aretha as the woman who asked for “R.E.S.P.E.CT”. That song in itself is a symbol of strength. I would like to think that “A Rose is still a Rose” is the next generation version of asking for respect. To be told that you don’t have to lay with this man and that man to get what you want is needed on the radio. Aretha Franklin is not only the Queen of Soul but she’s like every woman’s godmother who can sing. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that “I’m still a flower and I hold the power”. That is forever imprinted on my soul.

3^rd is “Sista” by Rachelle Farrell. When I first heard this, it made me think of a something Tyra Banks. She said one thing that we as women do is instantly hate on another woman the second she walks into the room. It doesn’t matter if it’s her hair, her man, her clothes/shoes, money—it doesn’t matter, we can find something we don’t like and frown or say something about her. One thing I’ve done and try to do every day is not only uplift my people but another woman. I will admit that I don’t have many female friends for that reason-hating, but at the same time, I do try to praise a woman for taking care of her business. Whenever I meet other writers or poets, I can’t look at them for being more successful or have written more books than me. It just means I have to work harder but at the same time, be happy that someone else is living their dream. “Sista” is a great song for a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, and best friend. This song is something to hear when you’re just hanging out with your girls and everything is cool.

4^th is “Me” by Tamia. This song is empowering in more ways than one. She’s talking about leaving a man because he’s not doing her right. She needs to take care of herself and only herself. This can heard when having problems at work, rollercoaster relationship with a boyfriend or best friend or even a family member. “And to choose between you two, boy you know If I have to choose, I choose me…” basically says there’s only one person that needs to be number one and empowerment begins with one first before the masses.

5^th is “Hate on Me” by Jill Scott. When I first heard this, I immediately started dancing and humming a long with Jill. I love her as an artist and the way she expresses herself through song. When this came out, she hadn’t released anything for a minute and that, in itself made it explode even more. She said “...You cannot hate on me cuz’ my mind is free”. That is very powerful statement for any woman, no matter how young and old. This song is fully of empowerment because it allows you to believe in yourself.

Every day, there is a woman watching a talk show, reading a book or talking to friends about self-esteem. When you need a song to fill you with empowerment and confidence, listen to the songs on this list and feel inspired. Feel beautiful, confident to song!

Respect

I saw something disturbing today and had to say something. I understand that each and every person can live their life the way they want to. If they are over the age of 18, they are considered an adult and responsible for their actions. Having said that, I see a lot of people who are technically an adult but their minds and bodies have not caught up with that at all. Case in point, I saw some pictures on the net today that made me question the minds of some people. They were pictures of women who made it clear that they did not care about themselves and their families. I say that because these pictures are on the net. Could they have stopped someone taking the picture-no but if they weren't acting the way they were, there wouldn't be a picture. I don't understand when some women feel like they wouldn't be labeled for the things they do. Taking care of your kids is great but if you're nine months pregnant with a half shirt on, doing a dance on a man in the middle of the street that resembles HOW you got pregnant leaves a deeper impression. If you're going to school to better yourself, that is wonderful. But if you come to an interview wearing a wife beater, some sweatpants and answering your phone DURING the interview, where does it show that you're going to school and getting an education? I applaud all women and the ones who are taking care of their business, I tip my hat to you. But if you're posing half naked in your baby's room and posting it on the internet, all I want to do is ask why? Why? Why do some women think they are invisible or that they will be respected simply because they ask for it? The world is harsh and with cell phones and the internet, your face can be plastered everywhere and you might not even know it. The ones who do know and don't give a damn, all I can say is karma is bi*** and one day, it'll come back.



To my brothers...I meet and see so many men that seem to be clueless to what is really on. First off, why is so hard for some to wear a condom? Maury will always be on television because there will always be women sleeping with multiple men and the multiple men not wearing condoms? It's your life. You can sleep around until your penis falls off but is that what it's going to take? You wake up one morning, go to the bathroom and all you hear is a big splash because it just fell into the toilet? Why wouldn't men have if not respect for the woman, respect for themselves? We may not want to admit it but men and women know when it's just sex. If it's just sex and you know it, WEAR A CONDOM!You know that you do not want this woman to have your child, wear a condom. What's the problem? If a man can spend hundreds on rims, clothes and weed (some), they can buy some condoms. Second, just as I mentioned a female applicant walking into the interview with a wife beater on, I've interviewed several men who thought a white tee and some jean shorts was cool. I've even had a guy flirt and then when I kept it professional, he got pissed. I know some females do that. It's not right for either one. But, men, you are asking for a job. You are asking the person that is sitting in front of you to help you pay your bills. Why not come correct? I don't understand the logic of playing ball, leaving the court and going straight to the interview with just a splash of Chocolate Axe spray. Come on! What makes things so bad is these men and women that I speak of, they are really serious about what they are doing and do not see anything wrong with it. People, you have to respect yourself FIRST because if not, it will not only show but no one else will respect you. You have to be conscious of what you are doing and be on your A game all the time. I'm no different. I'm a writer. At any opportunity, I try to post my work and pictures every where. I will not put myself in a position to where I do some thing careless and stupid that would damage anything I've done. I'm not perfect by any means but what is wrong with respecting yourself and holding yourself higher than any and everything? Try it. It just might work.

The New Business Plan

Back in junior high and high school, I sang. I sang with choirs, talent shows, around the house, to anyone that would listen. I loved to sing and on occasion, still do. I can still hold a tune. It seems like to be a rapper or a singer these days, I need to be able to sing, should try to dabble in acting and/or have my own reality show. After I do that for at least a year, I need to form my own production company and find a few people who are just like me and sign them as artists. I need to turn some water and flowers into my own fragrance. I need to find some straps of clothing and form my own fashion line. Does all this sound familiar? It should because everyone is doing it. Just about every perfume and cologne out today is by an artist. The majority of reality shows are of celebrities or people who hang with celebrities or people who think they're celebrities. You see singers and rappers in movies and television shows. I must say that I understand you have to multitask. I understand that someone should not only sing but she should be able to dance and/or write her own songs and do something for their community. I understand that being a triple threat is important. But...everyone has their own record label. Everyone has a fragrance. Everyone has or is about to start a clothing line. I've noticed that during the last couple years, artists have been opening clubs and restaurants. Clubs and food establishments, like everything is a hit or miss type of thing. Can someone, anyone do something else? Anything else? Can we see artists with building contracts and construction companies? Build schools and programs for children to go from pre-school to college. What about after school programs? Why isn't that a trend? What does it mean to dress, smell and listen to your favorite artists if you're not dressing for interview to be successful or smelling a five course meal that you cooked in your own home or listening to your name being announced at your graduation? Does it really matter? I can't blame any artist because it's not their job to make a child go to school, finish and go to college but we all agree that they have major influence. Everyone wouldn't be starting their own fashion lines and own record labels if the last five artists didn't do it. So I can't place blame on anyone but I think that in order for our community to grow, we need to stop spending money and start building our money and security. We need to educate ourselves and learn everything behind the scenes so that we can be successful on the front lines. Just an idea.

I bought a dress the other day going to the museum and looking at the African art. Everything looked so regal and emotionally. I found this black dress and and decided to take a picture. I wanted to capture the growing Queen in me.

The clear vision

I am finally getting the clear vision that I've heard others talk about and try to explain to me. I have a clear vision of my future and a better outlook of my life and my mind. I'm still growing of course as anyone else does but each day, I learn something new about myself and how I feel about life. One thing that has changed over the years that I now see myself actually getting married and being in a fulfilling marriage with children. Before, it was that I would get married, have children and then he'd cheat which would then leave me as a single mother. I grasped on that idea so much that I eventually told my parents that I wouldn't go through all of that pain and heartache. I'll just go to a sperm bank and have a child like that. I would know what I was getting into. At least I'd be able to protect myself. As I've gotten older though, I began looking at my life and how I was raised. I could get married and my husband just might cheat and we'd get a divorce. Under no circumstances, though, would I deny my (ex)husband to see his child. I couldn't do that. I don't know how I could. My parents are my best friends. Even more than that, I'm very close to my father. Daughters need their mothers and definitely need their fathers. I wouldn't want any child of mine to not know their father, no matter what happens. However, now, I understand what others used to tell me when I was growing up. You don't want to be the girlfriend forever. I used to think that I didn't need a ring/marriage to show my love to this person. I would be content with just that. Now I understand that I would want children and to be married to someone who I can work out any and everything.I hope that does work out for me now that I want it. We'll see.

Favorite LIVE performances

Why aren't you a mother yet?

When I worked at Walmart, I worked with many females. I hung out with them outside of work and talked to them on a daily. I had a few things in common with these women; we all were African American, in our 20s and we all love to go to the all male revues. Other than that, it was really it. I'm a writer and more of a homebody. I never really cared for the club scene. The number one difference was and still is that I do not have any children. I would say 90% of the females there had a child. When I first told them that I didn't have any children, they asked the question: Why not? Why aren't you a mother yet? I want to wait. I always use protection when I get physical with someone. It hasn't been my time to have children yet. It's been all of those reasons and yet, sometimes, I ask myself the same question. I want children. I think about kids on a daily. I have dreams about kids. When I volunteered in Jackson to help kids read, I loved it. I believe that I am meant to be a writer and a mother. So why hasn't it happened yet? It's not that I've purposely tried to get pregnant. No poking the condom or not birth control or anything like that. I've done everything to remain safe and as secure as I can be. I also know that I need to be somewhat financially ready for a child. That's the right idea. It's the right way. It does get me wondering though if it'll happen. I don't want to be in my late 30s trying to have kids. I know for a fact that I'm not alone in this. That makes it comforting. I guess when it comes down to it, it'll happen when the time is right.